Taming my Tongue?

When I first learned to cuss, I didn't quite master the art of profanity. Limited to my fourth-grade diary entries guarded under lock-and-key, my practice of using swear words was limited to my writing, which at the time was still abysmal. I essentially strung together series of swear words with random suffixes thrown in, but try as I might, these strings never made any sense, like, "Oh I hate her! She's such a sh*tting b*tch a$$hole bastard f*cky!" Yeah, I know. Needless to say I didn't make a very good sailor ;)

However, over the years I've gained impeccable finesse in using profanity. There have been times when Hubbs has been shocked (appalled?) at my potty mouth, and times when my letting loose a litany of swear words has resulted in much catharsis and positive results (like getting what I wanted as compensation for piss-poor service).

Now that Little L is increasingly aware of language and learning to talk, however, I have to censor my potty mouth.  Inspired by April's hilarious post at First Time Mom & Dad, I am also compiling a couple of phrases that I should probably stop using, aside from f*ck, which I am getting really good at uttering silently while driving (I hope she doesn't lip-read)!

I swear...  Actually, I don't usually swear by anything, but I do say those words.  Misleading and will probably make Little L think I'm swearing since I'm saying that I'm swearing...so I should just avoid this phrase altogether to keep life uncomplicated.

Shut up! Usually uttered with an air-head-esque affect, this is one of those things that I proclaim when I can't believe what someone is saying.  Sort of like, "No way! Really? Are you serious?" but for whatever reason, I like this version best.  Or liked.

Loser! Little L might start thinking that this is her dad's real name, but I usually say it in fun and with a snicker, after Hubbs does something totally lame and I'm trying to tell him that it has reached the bottom of the lame barrel.  Not nice, I know, which is why I'm quitting it.

"...retarded... This one is so offensive to me that I hate when I use the word. It's not PC either, but Hubbs uses the word a lot, and for worse it has rubbed off on me. Sometimes it comes out before I can even self-censor. But, given how horrible a word it is (and we use it referring to situations or behaviour or attitudes, not people), we should just stop.

crappy, piss, dumb, stupid, freakin'/friggin'... These are not swears per se, but the intent is still to cuss so it's still not okay. I never used these words at my school because they were considered inappropriate, so why use them at home?

Come to think of it, there are tons of words I probably should avoid, words that, although true, are mean or insulting or disparaging. Like ignorant degenerate, idiot, mouth-breather, etc. etc. I'm nearly gifted in the art of mean; why can't I be gifted with patience and kindness instead? *Sigh.* But I digress.

So yeah, watch for the G-rated Mrs L, coming to a blog near you!

Actually, f*ck that noise! I might not be able to swear in real life in my home or around my kid anymore, but my blog, in writing, and on the Internet is fair game... Sh*tting bitch a$$hole bastard f*cky!!