Too Early?

Two times the fun? Baby L is befriending herself ;)

I'm starting to think about #2.  Maybe I'm talking outta my a$$ here and it's just too stinkin' early to be thinking about that when Baby L is still nursing and my monthly curse has yet to return and I still feel overwhelmed with being a mom on most days.  But I am thinking about it.

Baby L is only 11 months, yo.  But *I* am mere weeks from the big 3-7.  Time is not on my side any more, and my eggs are just about ready to collect their pensions and retire somewhere warm.  And do I really wanna be the momma that all the other moms think is the grandparent? Cuz when Baby L graduates from university, there is a chance that this will happen (save for my good ol' Asian genes, which might preserve my youthful appearance until one day when I wake up at 70 and BAM! I'm a shrivelled ol' prune).

Anyway, given my challenges with baby-making pre-Baby L, there is a very good chance that doing it the old fashioned way may not work out this time round, either.  The question, then, is whether we will frequent the fertility clinic again, or just try on our own and hope for the best.

This is a conundrum.  Really.

Because part of me really really wants a second baby.  And part of me really really doesn't.

As a teacher, I am very interested in Baby L having a sibling, because there are lots of "onlys" who are messed up socially and/or emotionally.  Like, lots.  And although there are also lots that turn out to be totally awesome, I think the odds are against me on this one.  I also like the idea of having 2 kids who can play together and grow up to love one another, and look out for each other when we're dead and gone.  I've spoken with "onlys" who are adults, and many have voiced that they wished they would have had a sibling or siblings to share their growing up and growing old years with.

But do I love the idea of even more sleepless nights, and boiling bottles again, and all that jazz? Nope.  And there is also the fiscal freedom that comes with having one less mouth to feed. With one, I can also pour all of my attention and energy onto my little girl.  Plus, there is that risk factor of having a child with special needs because of my age; I'm not really prepared for that possibility.

Of course, on the flip side, social eptness is not guaranteed just because one has a sibling.  It also doesn't automatically mean that the two will be close (and I can think of several two-kid families where the sibs do not get along as adults). Given that Hubbs and I are pretty self-aware, we would certainly do everything in our power to ensure that Baby L didn't turn out freakish because she was an only.

By contrast, the sufferings of having an infant are also short-lived in the big picture, and I'm not sure that having two is actually twice as expensive as having one.  My heart is also capable of much love, and a second child just means my heart would grow to be able to love on two with equal measure.  As for special needs issues, I'm pretty sure that many women older than I have had completely normal and healthy pregnancies even in their "advanced age."  Given that I don't smoke or drink or engage in any unhealthy habits (okay, maybe a bit of junk food...), I am probably not at high risk.

So yeah, dilemma (as evidenced by this think-aloud post).  The only conclusion we've come to thus far is that Hubbs and I are not going to actively prevent baby-making from happening.  We are also not aggressively pursuing it either.  If it happens, then, it's a God thing.  And if it doesn't, that too is a God thing.

Maybe I should just stick with that and see how it goes, and stop trying to control it.