SheToo - On Consent and Children
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| Throwback to 2014 |
I already agree with her, and I didn't even need to read her article.
Our children need to be taught from very early on that their voices are heard, and they have personal agency over their bodies. They need to know that when they say, "No!" we are honouring their boundaries, rather than overriding them. It's an important concept and one that most parents (because we're not monsters!) would agree to in principle, but tend to ignore in practice.
Case in point:
- our kid is afraid to give Grandpa a hug or Cousin Mike a high-five, and we beg and coax them to do it anyway
- our kid doesn't want to wear the scratchy dress or pinchy pants, but we say, "Too bad" and squeeze them into those clothes anyway
- our kid doesn't want to be tickled anymore, but we keep doing it against their protests anyway
- our kid doesn't want to be left at the church nursery/babysitter's/daycare/kids' club with new, unfamiliar faces, but we drop them off anyway
Some might argue that none of these situations have anything to do with sexual consent, which is what #metoo is about. However, I would counter that the issue isn't about sex, but about something bigger than that - it's about having control and authority over our own bodies and our own boundaries, and having them respected by others.
If I override my child's physical discomfort and distress because I want her to wear certain clothing, I'm violating her boundaries and her personal agency on the matter, and imposing my desires onto her body. If I use my authority as her parent to pressure her into making physical contact with someone she doesn't want to touch, I am taking away her right to keep herself safe. If I ignore her when she asks me to "please stop!" tickling her, I'm showing her that her voice can be overridden by someone who is bigger and stronger. And if I place her in situations with people who she is afraid of or doesn't know, and I *leave,* I'm teaching her that I am the arbiter of her perception of safety, and not her, and that her intuition to keep herself safe is wrong.
This is not the kind of young woman I want to be raising, and not the kind of lessons I want to be teaching. It's important that NO means something very powerful and very definitive, and equally important that my kid understands that her body belongs to her, and she has complete and sole authority and agency over it.
Are there exceptions? Sure. Obviously we have to also factor in safety concerns as parents. For example, I will not allow my child to walk around in public in her birthday suit, because I also have a responsibility as a parent to keep her (and others) safe from harm. I won't allow her to run up and touch strangers either, for similar reasons.
But I think my point stands. We cannot change culture until we figure out how to do things differently, and this includes raising our children to be empowered, autonomous agents of their bodies and their lives. We have to promote critical thinking and learn to honour our littles as individuals who have a say in what happens to their bodies and to them. We have to stop thinking of ourselves as bosses and owners of our kids, but as shepherds and teachers who are called to lead them to a fulfilling, enriched life.
And while I hope my kiddo doesn't have to become a #metoo member, I fear that until we raise our little girls and little boys differently, and change culture from top-down and bottom-up, #shetoo is still highly likely to occur. So my next best course of action? To prepare and empower her for it.
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