Go Love Yourself

I've been following, and inspired by, The Birds Papaya - a social media account/blog authored by Sarah Nicole Landry.  She's a gorgeous mama who has been documenting her journey from being overweight, to underweight, to finding self-love and body positivity regardless of her weight.  I've been there too, yo-yoing back and forth from size 12 to 4 to 16+ and back again a few times over in the course of my decades.  And like her, I've been evolving in terms of how I perceive myself and my body.

So anyway, recently on her IG account, Sarah posted an image with her new taped-in hair extensions, which I didn't know existed, and now I kind of want thicker hair and whatever these "Secret Layers" are!  While the lion's share of responses were generally supportive, there was a small subset of folks who, under the guise of "concern," heaped judgement on Sarah because they felt that her choice to wear make-up and do her nails and use extensions was hypocritical to her messages about self-love, body positivity, and rejecting cultural standards of beauty.

Honestly, it was kind of gross to read the comments.  Never read the comments, folks; it's always a bad idea unless you want to see the uglier sides of humanity.

As I've mulled over this topic the last few days, here's what I think (because I know you didn't ask and you don't care, but I want to talk about it):

1) No matter how positive you are, how empowering your message is, and how kind you are, someone's still going to take offence or find fault with you, even if you're Mr. Rogers or Jesus Christ.

Seriously, you can't please everyone, not even if you're the Son of God who bled out to save humankind from eternal demise, or the friendliest cardigan-wearing neighbour who has ever existed.  People are just programmed to project their own issues, fears and insecurities on others, and while we all do it, some of us have more self-control than others when it comes to expressing it out loud or online.

2) Rejecting cultural standards doesn't mean rejecting your own standards of beauty, empowerment and self-love.

If Sarah had conceded to these critical voices, and stopped wearing make-up, removed her hair extensions, and sported less form-fitting, flattering clothing - would that be enough for them?  Would *that* suddenly be perceived as consistent with her message of self-love and body positivity?  How much weight would she need to gain, or how unstylish would her clothes need to be, before her appearance would be considered "acceptable" and "on brand" to those who criticize her current looks?

Because here's the thing - if she actually listened to these people, and ceded to *their* expectations and definitions of "beauty," "self-love," and "body positivity," she would be doing the very thing she is speaking out against - conforming to the definitions of beauty established by other people.

Body positivity is about embracing what you look like, however you look.  Self-love is about accepting and nurturing who you are, inside and out, regardless of what culture says about you.  And rejecting societal definitions of femininity and beauty doesn't mean doing the opposite of what society expects; it means defining for yourself what it means to be beautiful, powerful, and worthy of love.  If that definition happens to include make-up, hair extensions, false lashes, or Botox - you are absolutely allowed to set your own bar on gorgeous, and do the things that you think make you feel beautiful and powerful.

It is when we impose our own standards and definitions on others that we contribute right back to the culture that we are trying to reject.  We then become part of the same problem we are trying to fix.

It has taken me four decades to love myself through thick and thin (literally), and even then, I still occasionally wrestle with those voices inside that tell me that I need to look or be a certain way before I'm worthy of respect and acceptance; I've been brainwashed by my culture, and deprogramming that messaging is harder than leaving a cult.

See that selfie I took this morning (photo on the left)?  I almost didn't put it up, even on a blog post about body positivity, because I didn't like how I looked in the photo.  The image on the right, taken with a full face of make-up and in a soft and forgiving light, I didn't hesitate to put on my social media, because I considered it more presentable.

But I posted the bare-faced one in spite of me, and I also left the house looking like that, because I am trying to be kind to myself, recognizing that I'm still pushing back against those messages that have been inundating me since I was just a young kid.  I'm reminding my heart and mind, very intentionally, that at the end of the day, it's not up to the Internet or social media or society to tell me how I should look and what I should do to be beautiful.  It's up to me.  And while that does usually include eyeliner and lipstick, it sometimes doesn't.

I used to hate the term "living my truth."  What does that even mean?  I totally thought it was some weird hippie New Age phrase made up by Millennialists.  But maybe *this* is what it is referring to - defining my beauty and self-worth for myself, and mindfully living my life based on my own standards of these things every day, rather than responding to what the world tells me is attractive and worthy of acceptance.  

I owe it to me to live authentically, and to love the person that I am now, and will be evolving into over time.  But it's not up to me to set standards for you, nor is it up to those "haters" to set standards for a body positivity blogger and influencer on social media.

Everyone, just go love yourself.  And leave everyone else alone.