The Real Me - In Search of Authenticity

Everyone looks better with a soft light filter, right? Younger, too.

I can't find very many recent photos of me that don't have Little L in it, or some filter on it.  I apparently don't take as many photos of my mug as, say, the average millennial, because my selfie game is sad.  If I'm being honest, I don't even know how to use Snapchat properly, although I've finally figured out how to save a filtered image into my inbox. 

In conversations with my friend last night, we also discussed the fact that neither one of us knows how to apply make-up the Kardashian way.  She's like two decades younger than I am, by the way, so I'm pretty sure this isn't just an age thing.  Apparently neither of us has any clue how to contour or highlight, or even how to find someone to teach us this skill set.  That said, I'm pretty happy with my current skincare routine, though, which involves some R & F products, an occasional black masque, and micellar water.  When I "put on my face," my tools are a tweezer, some primer, some powder, eyeliner, mascara, and a lipstick that doesn't come off for 12-24 hours.  

But recently, I came across an article in Vice where some twenty-something writer enlisted the help of her 15-year-old niece to teach her how to do up her face in flawless fashion.  Apparently, the teen was an expert through trial-and-error and getting an education via YouTube make-up tutorials.  

I was half-impressed with the end result, in the same way that I am often in awe of those gorgeously made-up IG influencers that I follow.  But the other half of me felt like the author was way cuter with her own DIY, barely-there make-up routine; the latter just looked more...authentic. 

Snapchat filter. My hair isn't even up, so the photo doesn't really work.

And then I discovered that there are young kids, like ten year olds, who also have YouTube channels displaying their crazy-good make-up skills.  There are also these very ....ahem...average... looking Asian women who somehow manage to spin straw into gold with their faces; they go from being plain Janes to straight up anime characters.  Google "Asian make-up transformations" videos.  I dare you to watch them without having to pick your jaw up off the floor afterwards.  (Incidentally, I was told that, "There are no ugly women in China. Just lazy ones.")  Say what?!

Point is, there is a *lot* of focus on packaging here.  Between filters and fillers and the many kinds of cosmetics, people are investing a TON of effort into not just looking good, but looking like someone else.  I mean, if I highlighted and contoured and used pupil-enlarging contacts and fake lashes, I am pretty sure I would look like an entirely different person at the end of the process.  But would it really be me?  I know that, at this point in my life, authenticity matters.  I don't care about impressing others as much as I care about impressing me, and feeling good in my skin.

But this is also where I wrestle; of course I want to look good, and put my best foot forward, and feel amazing about my appearance.  We all do; that's why there is a skincare and cosmetics industry that is worth gazillions of dollars.  That's why I have products all over my bathroom and in my cosmetics bag.  And honestly, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look good and feel good.

But I also know that Little L is watching me, and how I approach my looks will certainly influence how she approaches hers.  Do I want her contouring (or taping) away her chubby cheeks and popping contacts in her eyes so that she can look like an anime character?  Do I want her to feel that she *has* to eventually adopt a 26-step make-up routine in order to feel beautiful?  And how do I help her be comfortable in the skin that she is already in, rather than feel like she has to cover it up with some kind of illusory "mask"?

These are not easy questions to answer.  I don't want to be a walking false advertisement.  To some extent, what you see should absolutely be what you get, and I think that when we put on a filter or a thick layer of cosmetics, we not only hide our imperfections but our true selves as well.  The line between real and fake is already blurred enough in the news and in other parts of our society, but now we add to that the blurring of who we actually are.  To me, that is a disservice to ourselves. Make-up should be an enhancement, not a replacement.  Filters should be a fantasy, not a goal.

So while I may not know how to highlight my cheekbones or apply eyeshadow (seriously, I have no idea how), I think I'm okay with what I'm doing now.  I do look better with a layer of make-up on my face, but when it's off, I'm still recognizable, and I'm not ashamed to go out into daylight bare-faced.  And when it's on - I am intentional about letting my inner "me" shine through, warts and all.  Wearing make-up is not an invitation to put on a persona, so I really make an effort to show that I am not defined by my appearance;  it's still me whether I look like the princess or the ogre.  I hope that I can be a positive role model for self-acceptance and self-esteem, because I know that little eyes are watching me.