Rethinking Discipline ... ahem *Spanking*...

I'm about to get on a high horse so if it ain't your cup o' tea, feel free to move on.

Yeah, I'm talking about spanking. Trigger warnings: spanking, abuse, Bible talk.

Would you hit this child? She's reading her Bible, BTW.

And NO, we are not going to be using this form of "discipline" on Little L.  I am not rethinking my position; I've been against hitting children for as long as I can remember.  However, perhaps someone reading this might need to reconsider their position.

Last year, the American Psychological Association put out this article against spanking, suggesting that it may pose serious risks of harm to children.  Dr. Jenn Berman, author of Superbaby, lists 10 reasons why spanking is a bad idea.  John Medina, author of Brain Rules for Baby, also makes a solid case against corporal punishment (in favour of inductive parenting, with an occasional show of power/authority).  Time wrote a piece a couple of years ago about the first real-time study of parents who spank, and the results weren't pretty.  And if you Google about spanking, you'd find quite a bit of recent research to support this position against using violent force to teach proper behaviour (which is the goal, isn't it? Or is it to "punish" the child for behaving badly and force him/her to remember the "consequence" because it was so traumatic? Hmmmm).

So, um, why do people spank, if the research is so clear-cut?  Maybe it's easy, and in the short-term it works.  Maybe it's because it makes them feel better to "right" a "wrong" in this way.  Maybe they're ignorant of the research.  Maybe they lose control and it's a reactionary reflex, rather than instructive and intentional.  Maybe they woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had a bad day at work.  Maybe they're afraid that if they don't spank, they will end up with rotten kids.  Maybe they are pressured into it by a spouse or extended family.  Maybe they believe this is the only way to discipline and raise Jesus-loving children. Who knows? I would guess the reasons are many and complicated.

Now, I do know a few people who spank very rarely and as a last resort, who I believe are doing it "right" (or as "right" as one can do it if they are doing something this extreme).  However, I've also heard about people I know who have done the following:

*spank their kids so often that the child(ren) expect to be spanked before going to bed
*had their children pick out their own spanking "tool" (without knowing what it was for) and then using this item as the weapon of choice for spanking that child or threatening to spank him/her
*used a tool to spank/hit a child so violently that an earring ripped out of their ear

And yeah, I was spanked, too.  But my parents didn't have the benefit of this research, nor the education or access to information that we do in this generation.  I was also only very rarely spanked, my mom never lost control, and it was done only as a last resort after many repeated "warnings." Even so, I don't think being spanked was okay.  I suspect my mom regrets it now.

Usually, I don't argue that there is only one "right" way to parent, because mostly, it's about personal preference.  Breast-fed vs. bottle-fed?  Co-sleeping vs. in baby's own room?  Cloth vs. disposable? Organic vs. GMO? Natural birth vs. drugged-out birth? TV vs. no TV? Mush vs. baby-led weaning? Sleep training vs. not? Of course I have my biases and preferences which are based on what I believe is best for my kid.  But in all of these matters, I'm not really going to tell you how to raise your kid, because at the end of the day, all of our kids are going to be okay, no matter which end of these spectrums we fall on.

However, when it comes to physical force that is applied to a child, one who is weaker and smaller, and who is going to be adversely affected and hurt by this action, then yeah I've got an issue with it!

So what are Dr. Berman's 10 reasons not to spank? Voila:

1. It teaches that it's okay to hit, and that hitting is an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.  Which, BTW, is highly hypocritical if a child is being spanked for hitting someone.  Think about it.

2. It is harmful for cognitive development and mental health. 

3. Pain doesn't help a child develop a conscience.

4. It teaches fear, not respect, for parents.

5. It harms a child's self-esteem.

6. It teaches a child that it's okay to hit someone you love.

7. It's associated with aggression and anti-social behaviour later in life. 

8. Kids who are spanked are more anxious and fearful.

9. It increases the chances of a child participating in risky sexual activity as an adult.

10. It is more likely to lead to abuse by the parent.

In the face of all of this evidence, why on earth would any 21st century parent still resort to such an uninformed form of "discipline"?  In what universe does hitting someone lead to a heart change and the development of integrity and moral character?!

This has been on my heart and mind for a few days now, and I had to get it out before I exploded from rage and frustration.  Seriously, there is a better way.  One that teaches consequences and good behaviour while still showing grace and love and modeling respectfulness. 

So if you know someone who is thinking of spanking, or if you've done it yourself already, reconsider.  Rethink your disciplinary methods.  And please go apologize to your children.