It's Okay to Disagree

I've noticed a theme when it comes to parents and parenting: people have a hard time agreeing to disagree. Whether it is about spanking (or not), sleep-training (or not), screen time (or not), or even more meta topics like philosophies on child development, parents can be notoriously stubborn and sensitive, and easily offended and outraged. They often take another's opinions very personally, and feel attacked even when it has nothing to do with them.

For instance, we didn't sleep train Little L. It wasn't going to work for us, and we knew that right from the beginning. We felt it was going to be hard on her, on us, on our neighbours...and it just wasn't the right fit. Sure, I was passionate about my position, and I defended it vigorously on my blog and in person and even on social media; I personally don't think that sleep training is necessary nor developmentally appropriate, and I kind of think that it is also needlessly cruel. But when someone else chose to sleep train their babies, and told me so, I never felt hurt or offended by their decision; it did not wound me for them to hold an opposing position, nor did I feel that it was my duty to change their minds. Their parenting choice was not a personal affront to me; it had nothing to do with me. How they wanted to raise their babies was their business, even if I disagreed with every cell in my body.

I wish I could say the same in the reverse, but I did in fact receive feedback over the years, that people were personally offended by my position on that issue (and others), as though somehow my opinion on sleep training or discipline had some mystical power to reach out and forever label them as terrible parents. Honestly, who cares what I think?! I don't really care what others think, and neither should they!

We still co-sleep, choosing to keep our kiddo close to us rather than all by herself in her own bed. It's a mutual decision, really, because Little L thinks that there is a "tick tick" sound in her bedroom, and she doesn't want to sleep there either. One day, we plan to transition her to her own room (complete with white noise machines to drown out the "tick ticks"), but not yet. She's only 7, and her years of childhood are quickly coming to a close. We are enjoying every last bit of it. That said, I am pretty sure most parents don't share our perspective, and think it is probably a bit unusual that our 7 year old shares the king-size with us. To be honest, it is totally okay with me if they don't think that it is a good idea. Their opinions are their right, but they don't have any bearing on my parenting choices.

So why do some parents get all defensive and offended, anyway? Why do they react like cornered wolverines when a dissenting opinion is shared?

I am no psychologist, but if I had to guess, it has to do with underlying insecurities with their own decisions. If they felt self-assured in their parenting choices, I don't think there would be any issue, regardless of whether they were spanking or crying it out or breastfeeding until age 10. Many of my parent friends and I have very different styles of child-rearing, but we don't feel judged by each other. We know what we believe, and we stick to our own convictions. We feel confident that we're doing the best by our babies, so another's opinion holds little sway for us.

But for parents who aren't so sure if their choices are the best ones, or who secretly worry in the back of their minds that maybe their parenting practises may be harming their kids, having someone raise a strong, opposing opinion may seem threatening. It could trigger those unspoken fears and insecurities, or drudge up some completely unrelated trauma that just happens to surface as a result of this exchange of ideas. Let's face it, no parent wants to think that they suck at raising their little humans. Every mom and dad wants to believe that they are not only doing the best that they can, but the best thing, period. In the face of a challenge, then, maybe the first instinct is to fight or flight. Maybe these parents get into a heated verbal exchange after feeling personally attacked, and end up saying something that they later regret. Or perhaps, after an exchange of dissenting ideas, these parents retreat as quickly as they can to their happy places to lick their wounds and feel bad about themselves.

Whatever the case may be, can I just say this? It's okay to disagree. It is absolutely okay to parent from completely different perspectives and approaches, and discipline and teach from different frameworks and pedagogies. Nobody needs to be "right" at the expense of the other feeling hurt, and nobody needs to take an exchange of ideas as a personal slight. It isn't personal. Really!

We are all just fumbling through this crazy journey of parenthood, and every single one of us has been blessed with different kinds of littles, with a diverse range of personalities and aptitudes and learning styles. What works for one kid may be toxic to another, and what might be a necessity in one family is not a priority in another. As parents, we already have a tough job to do, protecting our littles and helping them to grow into amazing big people. We don't need to further divide ourselves into various "camps" based on parenting strategies. I mean, really. We are all Venn diagrams, and I may have an overlap in styles with Parent A over here, and another overlap with Parent B over there. And so would *every* parent overlap with someone else, but not be a complete mirror of the other. So let's not take things so personally, and let's try to find common ground. Let's just agree to disagree where there are differences, and keep coming back to where we have similarities.

I think that if we all come together united under the banner of "parents," rather than divided up into "us" and "them," we would be so much happier and so much more productive in our own parenting journeys!