Am I or Am I Not

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.

This is a matter near and dear to me, since I've been there, sort of. I've not written about it much, but those who know us in person know our story.

And our story is this: we tried for over two years to get pregnant and were unsuccessful. Tests came back normal, so the docs had no explanation for our troubles. Usually, after a year of fruitless trying, a couple is deemed to have fertility challenges. We ended up seeking medical interventions to assist us.

However, I am obviously not entirely infertile; Little L is living proof of that. She was not conceived in an entirely natural way though. I was taking ovulation pills and Hubbs' little swimmers were artificially planted inside me (after first being "washed" for the mutant swimmers). We were in our second cycle of intrauterine insemination when she was conceived.

So I understand the heartbreak of empty arms, the bittersweetness of celebrating another's good news while we longed for our own positive pee tests, and the frustration of "scheduled" sexy times to try to capitalize on ovulation days. I've charted and inspected various bodily fluids for signs of ovulating, and endured many an invasive and embarrassing test at the doctor's clinic. I have felt the disappointment, the failure, and the anger of getting my period again and again. I get all of that.

But I've also known the joy of finally seeing two lines on the stick, the excitement of announcing her impending arrival, and the unspeakably awesome privilege of carrying her in my body. I have celebrated the kicks in the womb and the nuzzles of a newborn against my chest. In receiving her warm kisses and chubby hands on my face these days, so much of the former hurts and disappointments have melted away like the winter snow.

But does that mean I am no longer infertile? What happens when we try to give Little L a baby sibling? I am not sure if this next time will suddenly be easier to conceive, or if we will find ourselves sitting in the fertility clinic again.

Some say that if one has experienced infertility, then even after a successful pregnancy they are still considered infertile. Others would argue that a pregnancy nullifies any claim of infertility.

I'm not big on assigning myself a label anyway, but I do find that I don't quite belong in either world. I hope not to garner resentment from those who currently still grieve their lack of procreating success, but if I was still without Little L I might hate me just a little. On the flip side, I will probably never know the ease of getting pregnant without a scheduled procedure. I may not naturally be fertile.

I'm not sure what my point is, except that I do want to acknowledge that this week is meant to raise awareness about infertility, a plight that has not only affected us, but several other couples who we know and love.

And I want those who are still longing for a family to know that I've been there too, and I am praying for you. It's not fair and it really sucks, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. :(